South Dakota was drenched when I came home. Fields and roads were flooded, and some are still waiting for the rest of the water to evaporate.
My mom, dad, sister, youngest brother, brother's girlfriend, and neighbor/mother's best friend were waiting for me.
My bags weren't.
I knew one was detained in Israel. But I saw the other in Chicago. It just didn't make the flight. I was nearly devastated. I had only my guitar, electronics, zip-lock bag of toiletries, and the contents of my purse. Even though my bags were elsewhere, I was glad to be back in the Midwest.
We went to Jimmy John's for supper. Even though I love their veggie sub, I was more excited to eat with my family.
So excited.
After a slow drive home in the downpour, I set up camp in my sister's room. She is too kind to me.
The next day my main priority was to get my phone working. After a year of traveling and making new SIM cards and communication a top priority in each city, I had to do the same at home. I set up my phone (and bought new clothes since my bag was lost) before showering post-travel. No shame. I care about communication more than hygiene. Nothing new.
(I also have a new number, so if you don't have it yet, send me a Facebook message or email. I haven't been very good at getting that information out to people. Sorry!)
I saw cute little cousins and daycare kids.
I went to an all-female Bible study and realized that being in a large group of women seemed so strange. Spending a year with a small team of five with only one other woman can do that, I suppose. I still love my great community in Bible study. It was just an unexpected change in my mindset that showed up.
I spent time with more cousins and listened to lies about how I make the best macaroni and cheese (from a box).
I still love those little liars though.
I saw the countdown the little girls made for my return. I'm thankful that I can spend more time with them in person.
I spent a significant amount of time in my car enjoying the open fields through both clear skies and dark, wet clouds.
I have spent time catching up with friends at my favorite coffee shops and in their homes.
I became a member of my church on my first Sunday back. The pastors were really gracious in letting me jump in, and it's nice to make an official commitment to a body of people. (I also somehow signed up to help create a puppet show for children at an outreach next month, so if you have any recommendations or knowledge, let me know. I have neither; all I have is a lot of free time.)
I moved in with three other girls for the next month and have gone through a little nesting phase. I desperately want to make this temporary home in a familiar city feel like home. Even though I move to a new apartment (yet to be discovered) at the end of the month, I want this room in this house to feel fully mine. I want home to feel like home instead of just being the word for that place I go to when I want to sleep or hide from the world. I'm trying. I think it's working. This room feels more "homey" than any other place I've lived this year.
Confession: I only made my bed for this picture. I'm not a bed-maker. Maybe that will change when I grow up, but I doubt it.
I think it feels more like home because I finally have my Young Life sweatshirt blankie back and my pillow. My pictures are hanging on the walls. Everything is familiar. That is so nice.
Although everything is familiar, I found a few surprises while I was unpacking. I forgot about books I had purchased or received as gifts before leaving. Rediscovering them was like Christmas morning! And now my "to read" list is even longer.
There have been so many good things about being back. So many.
But there have also been hard things about being back.
My bags came within two days of being home. But security didn't repack my suitcase very well, and things broke. I was so upset. I realized that transition makes it a lot easier for me to get angry with people. I'm still working on forgiving the airline employees. I was so upset.
I also became upset when I found out my car insurance was going to cost almost twice as much as originally planned. Small disappointments make me want to burst into tears. I know it's okay. I can pay it. It will be fine. I just want to cry at unexpected changes.
The transition from a fast-paced life with a clear, daily goal to a slow-paced life with general goals has been challenging. My main priorities are to love my family and friends well and to give myself space to transition back home. And that's hard. It's weird having one, maybe two, set plans in a day.
That will change though. I will start meeting with my ministry partners soon and sharing more of what God did this year and about the opportunities he has given me for this next year. That will be great. I just needed some emptier space before that. And emptier space can be hard.
Yesterday, I met with the Area Director of Young Life to talk about starting Capernaum (Young Life for high school students with disabilities) this fall. It was a good conversation. I'm excited about what God has in store. But after I left and thought about it more, I realized that there are things about it that scare me.
It's not the typical new ministry, new plans, or new relationships that scare me. It's the idea of being involved long-term. My whole adult life has been lived in transition: college to the idea of career, college to Ghana, Ghana to home, home to Expedition (which was full of monthly transitions), Expedition to Sioux Falls. I'm not transitioning to anything else yet. As of now, I am in Sioux Falls indefinitely. Capernaum could turn into a career. And that terrifies me.
Don't get me wrong; I am so excited. I asked God to let me return home. I wanted this. I know God will do great things in Capernaum this next year. I just don't know how long it will be before I get antsy and long for more transition.
Yesterday was my first "what is going on in my life" mini-crisis since being back. And I know it's not my last. But in the middle of that mini-crisis, I got a message from a sweet and wise woman who gets the difficulty of transition between life overseas and the U.S. She reminded me that it'll take a while -- that it's even okay for it to take a while. In the moment when I needed someone to remind me to give myself grace and to help me embrace the change and the amazing opportunities of being back, she said, "Hi Kayla!"
It was another sweet reminder of how God knows my needs, and he will meet them. And those facts make the return to South Dakota even better than the friends, family, and familiar places.
I know being here is good. I don't doubt that. Sometimes I just get afraid of what will follow. That's just one of the changes that happened while I was gone. I'll write another post about those changes soon.
I've been meaning to write posts for weeks. I have at least four more that I have been mentally writing during the past month.
I'm not sure why I haven't been writing. Some potential reasons include:
- I haven't been able to clearly articulate myself.
- I wanted to create some space so my posts aren't emotional rants.
- Our apartment doesn't have internet, so I get to journey to coffee shops for internet and run out of time while doing other things and don't get around to writing.
- When I do have the time, I don't want to think long enough to write well.
But I will write now. Today was a good way to jump back in. I'm sitting in a nearly-silent Caribou drinking tasty coffee in a comfy chair. It's just another way that this change is good.
So thanks for sticking with me through this. Sioux Falls friends, I look forward to doing real life with you on a more regular basis. Friends around the world, I miss you, and I am so grateful that you are continuing to share life with me even though we are far apart. You all bless me a lot. So thanks.
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