I Am Afraid

I make lists. Shopping lists, to-do lists, reminder lists, books-to-read lists, ways-to-rest lists. Lists help me make sense of the world.  

Tonight I made a different sort of list. One that has been waiting to tumble out for a while. I’ve known it. My body could feel it, physically responding to the stress stemming from that nonexistent list. A list of fears.

I Am Afraid…

Capital letters starting each word (minus articles and prepositions of course) because of the weight in each word.

I’ve never been fearless. I hated risks as a child. I was terrified of failure and injury. I now try to talk myself into taking good risks in adulthood. Some habits are hard to break. Fear is one of them.

And so tonight, I made a list. A wise, loving friend once invited me into the freeing experience of speaking out lies I believe. That invitation has changed me. It revealed to me how much weight unspoken words hold. Tonight, I didn’t speak out fears. I wrote them, but the effects are similar. There was relief. I could laugh at some of my fears; I could see how some were utterly ridiculous. And I could see how much of me hates acknowledging some others. Because some of these fears hurt. But they are out there, on paper, no longer hiding in my mind.

I Am Afraid. But in that fear, I am unashamed. I Won’t Always Be Afraid. Some of these fears will naturally fall away as life moves forward. Some of these fears will need to be spoken, and healing will begin there. Because fear is not victorious. I am not defined by fear. I Am Afraid, but I am not defined by fear. And that’s where I can leave this today with fears declared but not consuming.

How do you begin your process of letting go of fears?