Singleness-iversary

People love anniversaries. So much so that some even celebrate month-iversaries. 

It's a time to celebrate good things. It's a time to celebrate time -- to savor in the fact that something good could last for so long and continually endure.

Today is my singleness-iversary. The third one. I have been single for three years. 

Celebrating singleness may not make sense to you, reader. That's okay. But I want to take some time, some space, to try to explain the celebration to you.

On December 22, 2012, I wrote a post on singleness to celebrate my first singleness-iversary.

Honestly, part of me (most of me) hoped I wouldn't have a second singleness-iversary. But I did, and I celebrated quietly, relishing the beauty of my second year full of unexpected adventure. 

Here we are: year three. Another entire year completed. I have no regrets; I know ending that one relationship three years ago was a wonderful decision blessed by God. I have no doubt. No part of me wants that relationship back. However, I would prefer to be married (to someone else) rather than to be single. 

I tell you my strong preference for marriage with the hope that that statement and perspective will help you hear the next three things. 

In being single, I have heard so many things that make me cringe. I have heard and read well-meaning people say the wrong thing.

Here's one example (improper grammar included as an additional bonus):

I am going to share three things that have made it easier for me to be single on the really terrible, awful, single girl days.

1. There will be no marriage [as we now know it] in heaven. 

Married and engaged friends, that is not meant to be harsh or an attack on your beautiful relationships. Marriage here and now reflects Jesus' marriage to the Church. It's so beautiful. 

When I was in Ghana, one of my sweet teammates was reading a book entitled Heaven by Randy Alcorn. As we sat in the living room reading, she asked, "Do you think there's marriage in heaven?"

I naively responded, "Yes." I was confident. How could these beautiful relationships not continue in heaven? 

My teammate chuckled, and she read me an excerpt. 

"One group of religious leaders, the Sadducees, tried to trick Jesus with a question about marriage in Heaven. They didn't believe in the resurrection of the dead. Attempting to make him look foolish, they told Jesus of a woman who had seven husbands who all died. They asked him, 'Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?' (Matthew 22:28).

"Christ replied, 'At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven' (Matthew 22:30).

"There's a great deal of regret and misunderstanding about this passage. A woman wrote me, 'I struggle with the idea that there won't be marriage in heaven. I believe I'll really miss it.'

"But the Bible does not teach there will be no marriage in Heaven. In fact, it makes clear there will be marriage in Heaven. What it says is that there will be one marriage, between Christ and his bride -- and we'll all be part of it. Paul links human marriage to the higher reality it mirrors: 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery -- but I am talking about Christ and the church' (Ephesians 5:31-32).

"The one-flesh marital union we know on Earth is a signpost pointing to our relationship with Christ as our bridegroom. Once we reach the destination, the signpost becomes unnecessary. That one marriage -- our marriage to Christ -- will be so completely satisfying that even the most wonderful earthly marriage couldn't be as fulfilling.

 "Earthly marriage is a shadow, a copy, an echo of the true and ultimate marriage. Once that ultimate marriage begins, at the Lamb's wedding feast, all the human marriages that pointed to it will have served their noble purpose and will be assimilated into the one great marriage they foreshadowed. 'The purpose of marriage is not to replace Heaven, but to prepare us for it.'

...

"Jesus said the institution of human marriage would end, having fulfilled its purpose. But he never hinted that deep relationships between married people would end" (excerpt from Heaven, chapter 35; the Kindle version doesn't contain page numbers). 

When I remember that, I remember that my hope, my deepest longing, is for Jesus to return and redeem the world and set things right. My hope, my deepest longing, is not in one earthly relationship but in the creator of relationships. That makes the worst and loneliest single days bearable. No man, no relationship with another human, is the ultimate end. Rather the ultimate end is found in Jesus fulfilling his promise to return and reign. 

2. God is not holding out on me until that magical moment where I am content in him.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend who said something like, "I realized that so many well meaning women say, 'I was waiting and waiting for a husband from God, and then when I finally became content in my singleness, it just happened. My husband showed up.' And that's wrong."

My wonderful wise friend was right. It is wrong. And what she said blew my mind. 

So many married women try to encourage single women with their story, but they miss the main point. The presentation is wrong (because they most likely get the main point; they just don't present it well). 

Because that's not quite how it happens. Contentment doesn't bring about a spouse. God does not reward your contentment in him with a charming husband. 

If that's how it worked, my wonderful wise friend and I would most likely have husbands. But we don't. And that's okay. 

God's not holding out on us. He's not waiting for us to reach this pinnacle where we are worthy of husbands, where we are above the temptation of making a spouse into a god. 

I do not need to focus on being content in God in order to get that elusive husband. I need to focus on being content in God because he's God; he's the one we collectively will be married to for eternity. He is the ultimate end. 

Single friends, we are not being punished. We are being blessed. Look at what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.

So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.

He explains the reasoning behind his desire and advice later on in 7:25-32.

Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you.Because of the present crisis,[i] I think it is best to remain as you are. If you have a wife, do not seek to end the marriage. If you do not have a wife, do not seek to get married. But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems. 

But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short. So from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage. Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away.

I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. 

Paul doesn't say this as a direct command from God but as humanly advice. He's getting at the idea that there's more at stake now. Jesus, the long-awaited Messiah, came! He's coming back! We can't just continue living our merry little lives like we used to. We have great purpose! We are meant to tell others about him. We are meant to live in light of his return. That can include marriage, but now that we know Jesus, marriage isn't all we are striving for. 

Now that we know Jesus, he is our end goal - not a spouse!  

3. I am not "waiting." We are not meant to be "waiting." 

So many Christian articles on singleness talk about "waiting." We're instructed on how to wait, told why we wait, and advised how to make the most of our waiting.

But I'm not waiting.

When I was younger, I would wait and wait on Christmas Eve to open presents at my grandparents' house. I would walk into the kitchen, stand next to my dad sulking until he turned to me, and I would ask, "When do I get to open my presents?"

He would laugh, and teasingly say, "Every time you come in here to ask, you have to wait another ten minutes." 

My cousins were playing with my siblings. "A Christmas Story" was playing on the television. It was a party, but I didn't want it. I only wanted to discover what was wrapped up so nicely under the tree. 

I was waiting for that moment, and I was miserable. I was missing out on everything else.

I am not waiting for a husband. Because unlike those presents under the tree, I may not get it. I knew those presents would be opened before I went to bed. But I am not guaranteed a husband. I will not wait for something that may never come. That is ridiculous. 

Even if I was guaranteed a husband, I wouldn't wait. The most common definition of "wait" from dictionary.com is "to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens."

There is no reason to remain inactive. Life is meant to be so much more than a state of inactively waiting. There are so many good things happening in life. This season is good, friends. I do not want to cheapen it by focusing on "waiting." Instead, I want to focus on "living." I want to focus on knowing God and serving him.

Doesn't that sound so much better than waiting and waiting and waiting for something that may not even happen? 

Conclusion. 

Being married is good. Being single is also good. I want to celebrate this gift. I want to grasp how good this gift is because it may remain until Jesus returns. And that's more than okay. I'm not waiting for a man. I'm not waiting for a relationship. I am waiting for the Savior of the world to return and reign. I am waiting for him to set things right. And I want my life until then to reflect that. I want to live with that reality in mind no matter what my relationship status is.

If you have never heard about Jesus' marriage to the Church or his desire to be in relationship with us, I would love to tell you more. Just ask. His story is the best story. 

Fellow single friends, what things make it easier for you on the really terrible, awful single girl (or guy) days?

Married and engaged friends, how do you and your spouse/future spouse intentionally reflect Jesus' marriage to the Church? How do you encourage your single friends to stop waiting?