I'm Not Afraid

I have a friend who is great at introducing me to musicals. One of the multiple musical theater pieces she introduced me to is Songs for a New World by Jason Robert Brown. Halfway through my time in Ghana, she hopped on a plane with the songbook for Songs for a New World in her suitcase. We sat in my living room where she practiced the music and I pretended to know how to sing it. Since then, I've been hooked. 

I haven't written a post in over a month; that's the longest time I have gone without writing. I started a post three weeks ago. It's still in my drafts. I have a post-it note on my desktop with the posts I have been meaning to write for two months. But I still haven't done it.

Honestly, I haven't done a lot of things lately. 
I haven't written. 
I haven't worked as hard as I should to raise up a team of ministry partners for this next year. 
I haven't connected with all of my friends and family yet. 
I haven't been consistently spending time in my Bible. 
I haven't been reading books from my "to-read" list. 

I have moved though. And when we hang pictures on the wall and finish decorating, I will post a tour. But that hasn't consumed all of my time. 

Yesterday, as I looked at all the things I know I should do, I wondered why I wasn't doing them. Then it all finally started to click. 

I am afraid. 

I am afraid. 

In Songs for a New World, there is a song called "I'm Not Afraid of Anything." 

I'll sing along to the soundtrack in my car, but I always chuckle. I've never been that girl. I've never been not afraid of anything. 

The character sings:

Jenny's afraid of water 

I mean she swims so well

But still

She's afraid of water

And so she won't go near the sea

Not me

Katie's afraid of darkness

I mean she sleeps and all

But still

She's afraid of darkness

So when the lights are out she has to hold my hand

I don't understand

I'm not afraid of anything

Be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky

I'm not afraid of anything

Tell me where's the challenge if you never try

So watch me fly

I'm not afraid

The song continues. She's not afraid. She sees how everyone around her is afraid, but she claims she's not.

I am not one to claim to be unafraid. 

I'm afraid of lots of things.
Heights.
Loud noises.
Being disrespectfully rowdy in public.
Taking random risks. 
Seafood. 
Silence.

But last night, I realized that the previously stated list of things I haven't done lately stems from my list of fears. Not from the list above, but from another list that cuts a little deeper.

I am afraid of failing. 
I am afraid of failing at raising my financial support for this next year.
I am afraid of failing at my job this next year.
I am afraid of never really transitioning back to life in South Dakota. 
I am afraid of never feeling like I have a home.
I am afraid of never being content.
I am afraid of disappointing people -- my family, my friends, my community, my authorities.
I am so afraid of disappointing people.

I am so afraid -- afraid to the point that my fear is holding me back.

As soon as I admitted my fears, my inaction started to make sense. Why should I even bother trying if I'm only going to fail?

But the truth is: I'm not going to fail. The truth is: my fears are irrational. When I spoke them out loud to some friends today, those sweet women stared at me in disbelief. My fears are ridiculous. But more importantly: they aren't true.

After admitting those fears to myself and others, I feel a little more free. There is still some work that needs to be done. My fears aren't completely uprooted. I still had to combat them throughout the day. But now I know what's been holding me back, and I can finally move forward.

That is such a relief. I want to move forward. I want to transition well. I want to succeed in what I do. I want to be content. I want my actions and thoughts to glorify God. 

After I started to admit these fears to a friend this morning, I read Psalm 89. Verses 6-18 say

6 For who in all of heaven can compare with the Lord?
    What mightiest angel is anything like the Lord?
7 The highest angelic powers stand in awe of God.
    He is far more awesome than all who surround his throne.
8 O Lord God of Heaven’s Armies!
    Where is there anyone as mighty as you, O Lord?
    You are entirely faithful.

9 You rule the oceans.
    You subdue their storm-tossed waves.
10 You crushed the great sea monster.[b]
    You scattered your enemies with your mighty arm.
11 The heavens are yours, and the earth is yours;
    everything in the world is yours—you created it all.
12 You created north and south.
    Mount Tabor and Mount Hermon praise your name.
13 Powerful is your arm!
    Strong is your hand!
    Your right hand is lifted high in glorious strength.
14 Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne.
    Unfailing love and truth walk before you as attendants.
15 Happy are those who hear the joyful call to worship,
    for they will walk in the light of your presence, Lord.
16 They rejoice all day long in your wonderful reputation.
    They exult in your righteousness.
17 You are their glorious strength.
    It pleases you to make us strong.
18 Yes, our protection comes from the Lord,
    and he, the Holy One of Israel, has given us our king.

Those truths are helping me overcome my fear. God is entirely faithful. Everything is his. Righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. Unfailing love and truth walk before him. Happy are we who hear the joyful call to worship, for we will walk in the light of his presence. We will exult in his righteousness. He is our glorious strength, and it pleases him to make us strong. Our protection comes from him, and he has given us his Son. 

Those truths make it easier to let go of fear. It reveals that my fear is based on lies. 

So I am choosing to walk in his light. I am choosing to allow his light to shine in the darkness. The darkness, the lies, and the fear are slowly disappearing. Because I don't want any of that. I want truth and light. 

I am learning that I too have a wonderful reason to say, "I'm not afraid," and my reason is God in all of his goodness.

What fears do you need to let go of? Who are you going to talk to about it?