Our Story (Part 2)

I don't think I've ever had this much anticipation to blog. I really just wanted to get through my day so I could continue the story. Pressing "pause" on a tough memory isn't very fun, so I'm grateful for the chance to share more with you.

In case you missed my last post, you'll want to read it before you continue with this one. Part 1 explains the beginning of the story that God has written and is writing in my life. If you didn't read it, you can try to read this, but it won't be as useful as just going back and reading how we got here. So, let's continue.

When I was in 8th grade, I was grounded for the entire first semester of the school year. I couldn't talk on the phone. I couldn't leave the house for anything other than school, church, and family functions. That made things even harder at home. I was desperate for any escape. That's when my friend invited me to Wyld Life (Young Life for middle schoolers). They talked about God, so my parents let me go because it was kind of like church youth group. (YL friends, feel free to laugh about that.)

I went to Wyld Life, and I met Karen. She was a mother of six, but she didn't let that stop her from loving on other kids. Karen showed me love. She let me hang out at her house (after I was ungrounded), and she talked to me like I mattered. This affectionate woman loved me and continued to remind me of it even though my only response was “Why? You shouldn’t love me.” (YL friends, I was one of those frustrating, tough kids that didn't appear to be getting anything. But, I eventually caught on. Keep loving those tough kids. It's worth it.)

Karen not only demonstrated love to me but also explained my mother’s love to me. After listening to my hurt and fear, she still loved my mom; she never trash-talked her. Karen showed me what great love is by explaining to me that my mom “still loved me. It was just in her own sick way.” Even with Karen’s wisdom and continual proclamations of my mother’s love, I did not believe it. When my mom and I fought, I was hurt to the point of believing she didn’t love me, and no one could convince me otherwise.

As I spent time with Karen and her family and listened to her speak words of truth into my life, I began to realize that her words were true. I was loved by Karen, and more importantly I was loved by God. During the frustration and pain of my eighth grade year, I learned that God desired to have a relationship with me. I had grown up going to church, but I had never understood the point. I thought it was merely about gaining knowledge and knowing all the right answers. I didn't think God actually cared about someone as small and insignificant as me. He had other things to attend to. But I was wrong. All that knowledge that I had learned in my attempt to be the perfect church teen meant nothing “…when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Phil. 3:8). My understanding of the worthlessness of all my futile attempts was not complete, but my relationship began and slowly transformed my heart and mind.

 

I accepted God's invitation to find life in him, but that didn't magically make things better. My life was still dictated by fear. I was still afraid to go home. I was still so broken and so hurt.

 

Karen moved after my freshman year of high school. Everyone knew it was what God wanted, but it was hard on her, her family, me, and my friends. After she left, things were still hard. In some respects, things became harder.

 

I was consumed with bitterness toward my parents. I resented them as much as my mom had resented me. I struggled with the lies I had heard from my mom. I thought I was completely worthless even though I knew that God loved me. The majority of my sophomore year was a year of depression. I was never clinically diagnosed; my parents convinced me that I didn't really want to go to a counselor. But as far as I know, I felt utterly depressed.

 

In the spring of my sophomore year, I signed up for a weekend called Teens Encounter Christ. My friend RiAnna was going, and I wanted a reason to get out of the house, so I signed up two days before it started. But when God was creating the world, he knew what I would experience that weekend and how it would change my life.

One night, we walked through the Stations of the Cross, and I was filled with remorse. I realized how great the forgiveness of God is; I realized how much I have hurt him. But somehow, in all of that hurt, God forgives me. He loves me enough to suffer for me and forgive me even when he knows all of the rottenness in my life. He knows my failures better than my parents, but he chooses to love me and forgive me.

 

With a greater understanding of the love of God, I took a step back and examined my life. I realized that I was holding everything that happened in my past against my mom. I was blaming her for my issues. It was destroying me, and it was keeping me from completely submitting myself to God. My relationship with him wasn’t what it was meant to be. After TEC, I went home and I told my mom that I forgave her for everything. I always knew that some day, I would forgive her, but until that weekend, I thought it wouldn't be until after I had graduated from college - after I was completely removed from her and her influence.

 

I gained a stronger understanding of the love of God. His love is real even for those who struggle to understand the meaning of real love. Because God loves me, I began to love my mom as Michelle, a child of the living God. My love for her was no longer merely the obligatory love children have toward their parents; I loved Michelle Tronvold because my Lord loved her and wanted her to know his love.

 

My relationship with my mom didn’t magically change the moment I forgave her, but it gradually became better. We argued less and talked more. And my dad was able to see me as a person beyond the girl who fought with her mother. Life was improving, but my feelings toward myself hadn’t changed.

 

I bought into the lies my mom said about me. I believed I was entirely useless. I knew God loved me, but I doubted the truth in that. I still assumed I was unlovable. My parents forgave me for our past; they were willing to move on in our relationship. I however was stuck. I did not love myself. I didn’t even know how to love myself. I was unable to accept the love of others. I continued to argue with my parents, and when I was ticked, I threw everything in their faces. I held onto the past: every hurtful word, every failed expectation, every moment of pain. It was always with me. On good days, I ignored it, but on bad days, it consumed me.

 

I hated myself. I was severely unhappy. I clung to my flaws, and they dominated my thoughts. I was never good enough for myself. All of my former frustration toward my parents transferred to me. Life was nothing like it was meant to be. My relationship with God was nowhere near what it was intended to be.

 

My self-hatred continued until my senior year of high school. Then, in the midst of my brokenness, God revealed more of his heart to me. My soul remembered that God genuinely loved me. Even though I could never understand how he loves, I decided to trust that God is honest. His love for me isn’t fake, shallow, or conditional. It is real, genuine, inconceivable love. I began to ask myself, “If God created me and loves me, how can I not love me?” God proclaims that his creation is good; he loves it, and he asks those who love him to love his creation. If I claimed to love God, how could I not love myself?

 

It took time to learn how to love myself, but God taught me how. I decided to love me for me, not for what I do, what I say, or what people think about me. God loves me for me. My identity must be found in him; not in the shallow thoughts and expectations of the world. After choosing to love myself, I became a more joyful person. My relationship with God changed in amazing ways, and I enjoyed spending time with him and learned to trust his word. Before I loved myself, my self-hatred didn’t allow me to fully trust him.

 

With this newfound trust in God’s love, my relationships with my family members improved as well. We argued even less, and I fully forgave my parents during my senior year. Even though I had forgiven them my sophomore year, I still held onto everything which wasn’t complete forgiveness.

 

The fullness of God’s love and forgiveness amazes and baffles me even now. I have been living with his truth, but I still cannot wrap my head around how vast his love is. It is entirely unconditional. No matter how disobedient and rebellious I was and am, He still loves me. God has never said, “I will love you if…” or “I love you, but…”  God says, “I love you, and I always will.” Even when I chose to not love God, he loved me. God made me and chose me.  I hurt him more than my parents hurt me, but his love was still there. That is the love of God which I have received without being even somewhat deserving.

 

Even though I have received and experienced his love, I still struggle with it. The student who believed imperfect grades were unacceptable remains somewhere within me, even though I'm no longer in school. I expect myself to be perfect when I know I’m incapable of perfection. I am easily disappointed in myself and sometimes catch myself finding my worth in what I do and what other people say about me.

The personal struggles of my past may still remain with me, but I now have hope. I trust in the goodness of God and believe that he will overcome my insecurities. According to 1 Corinthians 1:25, God’s weakness is stronger than my strength. I serve the living God who did not abandon me when I felt abandoned by everyone, and he will not abandon me as I wrestle with my identity and his promises.

God loves me. He saved me from all of that brokenness, all of that painful stuff. No lie: Those things still hurt, but they no longer define me.

The story doesn't end here. There's more to be said. God's done more in my life, and he's taught me more about what he's capable of doing. But I think here is a better place to press "pause" for now. So, please dwell on the faithfulness of God and know that Part 3 is coming soon. Until then, enjoy some tunes about God and his love.