To Like a Boy and to Glorify God

This is my most vulnerable post yet. The following content is part of my biggest struggle this year, and I don't enjoy sharing it with others. It's a big sore spot in my heart. But I believe that God is asking me to share what I've been learning through the struggle, so here it is.

I like a boy, and I've liked him for awhile.

I like a boy, and the entire time I've liked him, I haven't wanted to do so.

I like a boy, and I have been begging God to take away my feelings for this boy.

I like a boy, and I thought that distance and lack of communication would make me like him less.

I was wrong.

I still like this boy. Until last week, I was still begging God to take away my feelings for this boy. I even asked some friends to join me in that prayer. One day, as I was prayerfully venting my frustrations to Him, I realized something. I was praying the wrong prayer. I didn't need to ask God to change my view of the boy. Rather, I needed to say, "Okay, God. If you're going to continue to allow him to hold a place in my heart, fine. Just use this to glorify you."

Because really, that's all that matters. My feelings, my thoughts, my desires don't matter. All that matters is bringing glory to God in every situation.

That prayer has changed my viewpoint. I am no longer mad at myself for liking the boy. That's a big blessing, because this year I have experienced way too much frustration toward myself during this struggle.

I now see this as an opportunity. I like a boy, and I selfishly want to go home and just see if anything would ever happen between us. But I know God's calling me elsewhere. So I'll go elsewhere. Even though this boy and whatever potential exists mean a lot to me, they're completely insignificant in comparison to glorifying God. So I'll choose Him.

And I think that's why God is still allowing me to like the boy: so I'll choose Him instead. I have the opportunity to do something completely against our society's pressure and norms. I have the opportunity to chase after Him and risk being a single missionary for life. I don't want to be single or a missionary for the rest of my life, but the risk is worth it.

And even though all of this frustrates me and is difficult to talk about, I can find joy in knowing that God is using this for his glory. That's all that ever matters. I'll willingly spend the rest of my life liking this boy yet remaining a single missionary if it's how God chooses to glorify himself. Who knows, maybe God will allow me to return home and satisfy my curiosity, or maybe he'll rid me of feelings for the boy. I don't know. But I do know that whatever happens in my life will happen solely for the purposes of God, and I can trust his purposes and rest in them.

Hallelujah! Praise the LORD!