I like reflecting on what was done and what can be improved.
We finished our first month of the Expedition, and during our last week in Rivne, Ukraine, I spent some time thinking about what God did and what I need to change in order to not hinder God's work. I was excited to share my discoveries from Rivne in a blog post. For some reason, this space seems safe. I had no intentions of standing up and proclaiming my discoveries in front of a small audience. I didn't want to see the reactions. I would rather have people simply read my thoughts, think about "liking" my link on Facebook or commenting, but mainly just reading and moving along.
Thankfully, God had more in store for my sharing experience than I had planned. At the end of our time in Rivne, my team was able to go to Kiev (the capital of Ukraine) and spend time with the staff in Ukraine and the other Expedition team which worked in Kirovograd, Ukraine last month.
We had a lovely reunion with our friends and drank tea and coffee before a debrief meeting. While I was waiting for the meeting to officially begin, I saw a tray covered with a kitchen towel on the table. I sat in my chair guessing what was beneath that towel. I thought, "Maybe we'll have communion together." I love the sacrament of communion. It is such a lovely experience of unity.
Our meeting began, and a man on staff in Kiev who helped my team last month shared from Joshua 4. I don't remember the exact verses he shared, but here are some of the highlights from Joshua 4:
When all the people had crossed the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, 2 “Now choose twelve men, one from each tribe. 3 Tell them, ‘Take twelve stones from the very place where the priests are standing in the middle of the Jordan. Carry them out and pile them up at the place where you will camp tonight.’”
4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had chosen—one from each of the tribes of Israel. 5 He told them, “Go into the middle of the Jordan, in front of the Ark of the Lord your God. Each of you must pick up one stone and carry it out on your shoulder—twelve stones in all, one for each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 6 We will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future your children will ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.”
8 So the men did as Joshua had commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan River, one for each tribe, just as the Lord had told Joshua. They carried them to the place where they camped for the night and constructed the memorial there.
9 Joshua also set up another pile of twelve stones in the middle of the Jordan, at the place where the priests who carried the Ark of the Covenant were standing. And they are there to this day....
19 The people crossed the Jordan on the tenth day of the first month.[b] Then they camped at Gilgal, just east of Jericho. 20 It was there at Gilgal that Joshua piled up the twelve stones taken from the Jordan River.
The Israelites were finally about to enter the Promised Land. They saw God do incredible things during their journey, and they wanted to build a memorial to remember what God had done.21 Then Joshua said to the Israelites, “In the future your children will ask, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 22 Then you can tell them, ‘This is where the Israelites crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’23 For the Lord your God dried up the river right before your eyes, and he kept it dry until you were all across, just as he did at the Red Sea[c] when he dried it up until we had all crossed over. 24 He did this so all the nations of the earth might know that the Lord’s hand is powerful, and so you might fear the Lord your God forever.”
Our staff friend invited us to do the same thing. He wanted us to build a memorial to God. We were invited to each share a story from the month, and add to the memorial.
Underneath that kitchen towel was a tray of apples. I loved that we used apples to build a memorial. It reminded me about how God is continuing to redeem us from the fall in the Garden of Eden. The apple has become our symbol for the first sin, and we had the opportunity to use apples to tell about God's good work and his glory. So good.
Teammates and team members from the other Expedition team stood before us telling about relationships God blessed them with this past month. It was beautiful to hear their stories. God did really cool things.
Here is one of the men from the other team sharing about what God did in their city:
As I sat there loving their stories, I was dreading the idea of sharing mine. I do not have an awesome relationship that was built during my time in Rivne. I saw God do incredible things, but those are more of my teammates stories. Not mine.
My turn came. My teammates told me to share. They weren't wanting to do so yet. I stood up, rolled my apple around in my hands, and shared my discoveries.
God is faithful. Duh, right? But this last month, I was in a position to experience this in ways I had not yet had the opportunity to experience his faithfulness. It was so wonderful to see his perfect timing, to be blessed with housing, to have people excited to continue the ministry after we left the city, to hear about new brothers and sisters in Christ.
God is faithful when I am unfaithful. Last month I was reminded that I despise goodbyes. I don't do them well. And in an attempt to not have painful goodbyes, I didn't let Ukrainians into my life. I didn't go deep. I didn't build real relationships. I merely let attempts at relationships dwell in the shallow end of my heart. And the goodbyes were still painful. I missed out on getting to know wonderful people, and saying goodbye to them still hurt. Stink. I discovered that it is better to fully live in a place even if it's for a short season. Withdrawing yourself to protect your heart doesn't work. I am trying to let go of my fears and be willing to share life with the people around me this month.
I don't know how I ended up here. The whole Expedition concept is not me. I do not enjoy meeting new people. I do not enjoy initiating conversations with strangers. I do not enjoy moving constantly. I do not enjoy so much of what the Expedition stint is.
But God still invited me into this. God knows my weaknesses. God knows my fears. God knows how difficult the concept of this year is for me. God knows how unqualified I am to do this. And he still chose me for it.
I saw myself fail time and time again in Rivne. I walked away from conversations. I wasn't bold. I didn't approach people that I knew God was asking me to share him with. And God still worked. He did so much more than I ever would have asked him to do in Rivne. He will do so much more. His faithfulness does not depend upon my faithfulness.
I want to be faithful. I am trying to be bold. I am trying to be present in this new city. I am trying to say yes to God's work here. But I am still that introvert who is clueless as to why God would let me be one of the five people on this grand adventure.
I didn't want to stand in front of my coworkers, bosses, and the people we are serving and admit my unfaithfulness. I feared that as I shared, I would look at them and see the looks of disappointment on their faces. Rejection.
Their response was entirely different. They smiled. They nodded. They understood. They accepted me. In all of my mess and failure, they accepted me.
That group showed me more of God, his love, and his forgiveness.
Together, we built a memorial testifying to what God had done in us, through us, and in my case, even in spite of us.
Each apple represents so much fruit that God produced. He did amazing things in Rivne and in Kirovograd. Praise God for his work and for his willingness to invite messy people into it!
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