I'm Crying over That?

Have you ever cried over something that was so insignificant you were too ashamed to tell anyone?

I have. I stopped crying over one of those things approximately four minutes ago. I stopped crying when I had a realization that takes away my shame and allows me share my tearful experience.

My team had some miscommunication over one small plan. We talked about going to see Thor 2 together. The plan changed without me realizing it at first. Most of my team went to the movie, and I missed out. I was angry. I was sad. I cried.

Thor's not even my favorite superhero. I didn't cry because of Thor.

I thought my teammates would wait to watch the movie after hearing that I had plans during the proposed time. They asked me if I would be offended if they went without me. I responded too late. I knew I would be offended.

I was offended. I still am. 

And I know that that's wrong. Why would I be upset with some great friends for going to a movie while I was busy? 

I was too upset. It didn't make any sense.

At first, I thought, "I'm just upset because they responded in a different way than I would have. I would have not gone to the movie. I would have suggested waiting if someone else said something like, 'I want to go, but I have plans for that time. I thought we were going tomorrow.' They're not you, Kayla. If they would have known you would have cried, they wouldn't have gone. They just didn't know."

But that thought didn't fix anything. I just cried more. 

And while I was crying, I realized I felt left out. I felt like I didn't matter - that my desire to go and the inconvenience it was to wait for me didn't matter. I felt alone.

I didn't just feel alone because of missing out on the movie. I have been feeling alone a lot lately. It's been hard to find a time to catch up with friends over Skype. My schedule has been completely unpredictable with daily changes, and everyone else is simply busy. 

When I feel alone, I start to believe lies. I think that people are too busy for me. They don't want to talk to me. Our friendship isn't a priority. It's insignificant. I don't matter.

And I know those thoughts are lies, but they keep popping into my head. 

Words of affirmation is the way that I prefer to receive love. And when no one is talking to me, I start to think that no one cares. It's a lie. I know. I just didn't realize it until I missed out on a movie.

Friends, I'm not writing this so that you feel bad. This is not a passive-aggressive post or a pity party. It's just a realization that I believe way too many lies. And I'm thinking I'm not the only person who does. 

For the record, I didn't cry because my friends went to Thor 2 without me. I cried because I find my worth in the wrong things. I cried because I doubt wonderful friendships. I cried because I know that I'm not finding my identity solely in Jesus and what he says about me and to me. 

And now, it still hurts. My eyes still want to cry. But I'm glad this happened. I'm glad I missed the movie not only because I got to talk to my mom and dad but also because I learned more about my heart. Watching Thor 2 wouldn't have revealed these lies; it would have just covered them up for a little longer. The tears and the time were worth missing fun with friends and missing Thor.

Have you been crying over small things recently too? What things are you really crying over?