That is Not Your God

My team is at a conference in Spain. It’s an opportunity to gather with other interns working throughout Europe and Africa and to grow in understanding God and one another.

I love this small town on the sea. It refreshes my soul.

I also love the resources Cru makes available to us during our time here. The other day, I was blessed to meet with a wise woman and talk through the options for my future. She graciously listened to my thoughts, asked probing questions, and spoke powerful truths.

Before I knew it, I was in tears. I had thought that so many hurts from the past had been healed; I mean, I have been walking with Jesus for 10 years... I thought we had worked through that hard stuff.

And then she spoke the phrase that is already changing my life.

With intense compassion, she looked at me and slowly said, “THAT IS NOT YOUR GOD.”

I sat with her sharing my struggle to experience joy this year, my realization that campus ministry is an intense challenge for me, and my fear that God would call me to do these challenging things for the unforeseeable future.

Until that conversation, I had not realized that I don’t actually believe that God would give me good things that I desire. I don’t believe that the hard way is not always the right way. I don’t believe that God loves me enough to let me spend my life doing things that I love rather than things I know are obviously good for his Kingdom. (I know that the things I love can be used for the good of his Kingdom; they just aren't boldly proclaiming the gospel which I know is good and is something believers are called to do.)

Until that conversation, I believed I understood God and his love. That morning, we actually listened to a speaker share about the “ludicrous love of God,” and I sat there nodding along as if it was all familiar to me. But now I’m realizing that I don’t understand it.

And now I feel free.

At first, I felt beyond confused. What do you mean my god is not the real God? What do you mean that I have distorted his image to fit my experiences and expectations? How could I be wrong?

But then I realized that this is so, so good. It’s like a gash in my arm. I got cut, threw a band-aid on and called it good. But it wasn’t good; the gash was infected, and I just left the bandage on. The other day, we re-opened the wound. It hurt. Pus spilled out. I screamed. I cried. The pain was overwhelming. But now it has the chance to heal properly. Now it can be infection-free. Now I have the chance to heal properly. I have the chance to learn what it really means to experience God’s love. I can know a God who actually wants to give me some of my desires. And it feels so good.

I’m trying to get reacquainted with this good God – the God who died for our sins and gave us freedom, the God who pursues us, the God who wants to lavish us with his gifts rather than receive the puny gifts we try to give. And I’m letting go of that god who expects me to grit my teeth and bear it, the god who permanently puts me into places that simply do not match my personality and talents, the god who expects me to “faithfully” do the things that steal my joy. Because my God created me for more than that garbage. He actually likes that I am an introvert who prefers one-on-one conversations that lead to deep relationships. He actually likes that I can find joy in doing office work. And he says that’s good. I don’t have to believe that God would force me to fit a mold that simply isn’t me. 

Instead, I get to believe that my God loves me. That he’s not disappointed in me. That he gets that this year is hard. That he genuinely cares about my desires and that those desires can lead me to him. I get to believe that God is letting me find my mold and enjoy life. 

THAT IS MY GOD. And I am thankful that I have the opportunity to get to know him.

Who is your God? What parts of his character have you been mistaking lately?