You Don't Know What You Want

The conference I mentioned in my last post is now over. I left early to go to a wedding, and my teammates left the conference earlier today. 

I mentioned meeting with a wise woman in the previous post. Thankfully, Cru is full of wise women. A few hours after meeting with that woman, I chatted with my boss. She is amazing, and that's an understatement.

Let me give you a little background before I share the words of truth she spoke to me. 

My boss is a great public speaker. I saw her on stage for the first time my freshman year of college. I laughed. I learned. I couldn't forget her. 

Last year, this wonderful woman became my boss. I had a few one-on-one conversations with her, and I realized that she is so much more than a great public speaker. Every time I talk with her, I see and learn more about the heart of God and what it means to actually follow him. She has spoken so much truth into my life and walked with me through some hard things, and all of it was done with overwhelming grace and love. 

This week was no exception. 

We talked about how I am discontent, how my hope and joy have been disappearing, and how I struggle with my job and have no idea where to go from here. 

Then, she boldly said it. "I don't think you're going to like being home either."

What? I really didn't understand, so I asked her to explain.

"You don't know what you want. Until you do, you're not going to like anything." 

[Her exact words may have been different. I forget those details, but that's the concept at least.]

My mind raced. Umm... excuse me! You don't know me. I am a planner. I know what I want. I do! I DO!

And to prove it, I told her. I said, "I know what I want. Or at least I think I do. No, I do. I want to move home. I want to work at a nonprofit in Sioux Falls. I want to be a Young Life leader."

I felt better. Or at least I felt better until she said, "Okay. Do that then."

I wanted to say, "No!" Everything in me wanted to scream, protest, resist. Don't tell me what to do. 

My boss gave me permission to pursue my dream after this year, and once she said it, I didn't want it. I was confused. Her statement, "You don't know what you want," really bothered me. I couldn't get it out of mind. And a day later, I knew why.

She was right. For the first time in my life, I don't know what I want. I -- Kayla, a controlling planner -- have no idea what I actually want. Is that even possible?

It's not that I don't want anything. It's that I want so much. I want to write. I want to teach. I want to invest in young women. I want to achieve justice for the social outcasts. I want to be "home" in South Dakota. I want my family, and I want it to grow through marriage and adoption. I want the world. I want so many things, and in my limited mind, those things don't exactly go together. I am afraid to fully want and pursue anything because I am afraid to walk away from other dreams.

Through one little phrase, my boss brought all of those things to the light. She knows me better than I know myself in some ways. I don't get how, but it's true.

After those conversations and that realization, I feel so much better. I feel more freedom. I am realizing that my life doesn't have to be one or the other; I am beginning to trust that God can give me a career that allows me to experience the fulfillment of some of those desires rather than just one.

I am learning not to settle. If I settle for the one thing that seems easiest or most natural, I won't be content. And that's okay. God made me to do more than settle for less than what he is inviting me to do. 

I am beginning to believe that God is inviting me into something "other": something other than just here or other than just there. And it's so beautiful.

Now I'm trying to figure out just what it is that I want. And the things that line up with God's Word and will are the things that I am going to chase after. I refuse to settle for anything less. I refuse to be too afraid to dream. Are you with me?

What do you want? What does it mean for you to refuse to settle?