Grace to be an Introvert

I am an introvert. 

I think I start off too many blog posts with that statement. But I'm not going back to change it. I am an introvert. In my entire Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, my strongest letter is my "I." I lean far on the introverted side of the scale. 

There are a lot of things that are difficult about being an introvert. (Anyone saying "Amen!" to that statement?) I am confident that there are difficult things about being an extrovert, but I don't understand or experience those things. 

I'm an introvert in a world that is continually being transformed to fit the mold of extroverts. I am desperately trying to understand what it means to give myself the grace to be me and still fit into the social structure before me. 

Earlier today, I watched a TED Talk that a fellow introvert friend sent my way. It's interesting. Some of the things that the speaker said made me feel like she was reading my mind. If you want to watch it, here it is: (I highly recommend watching it, but if you don't have 19 minutes to do so right now, I understand.)

In case you didn't watch it, she shares about a camp experience where everyone expects her to be "rowdie" (yes, it's intentionally spelled incorrectly). When she sits down to read a book, people think something is wrong because she is too "mellow." 

That's a good and simple example of feeling like being an introvert is wrong. Allow me to share some of mine with you.

I used to be a Young Life leader. Young Life likes to use the phrase "party with a purpose." At weekly gatherings, things can become very chaotic as the party unfolds. It can be overwhelming. (Actually, for me, it was always overwhelming.) I used to look at some of the leaders who thrived in that situation, and think, "That is what it means to be a Young Life leader. You have to be loud. You have to be hilarious. You have to do ridiculous things."  As badly as I wanted to fit that mold, that's not me. I cannot be loud even when I try. I can be slightly humorous sometimes, and I occasionally do ridiculous things for the sake of making others feel comfortable and sharing the gospel. 

But that mold I craved is not me. I almost quit volunteering with Young Life because of it. Then I was invited into a niche that I actually fit. Instead of doing loud, ridiculous things at the weekly gatherings, I made sure every high school friend did not go unnoticed. Every kid was at least greeted by someone and more than one of us had to know his or her name. In my own way, I fit the Young Life mold. I am so glad I discovered that instead of quitting. 

I interviewed for an internship at a great organization my senior year of college. (I actually interviewed at two.) Even though my professors said I was the most qualified and their strongest recommendation for the internship, I didn't get it. They told me it was most likely because the other girl was an extrovert who does really, really well in initial meetings. I have to work on my interview skills. I have to try harder. (For the record, even though my professors wanted me to get that internship, I always wanted the one I actually got. Jesus was good to me in this rejection.)

I have struggled a lot with my job this year. It is so challenging to meet new people in new places again and again. Thankfully, I have survived. I have realized that this isn't my natural sweet spot. I am trying to learn that that's okay; some days it is just difficult to remember. 

Earlier this year, at the start of each work week, I would hear a teammate say, "So I didn't see you at all this weekend. What did you even do?"

My response would be something like this: "I spent a lot of time in my apartment reading, blogging, listening to sermons, playing the guitar. I went to a coffee shop." 

My teammate would respond along the lines of, "I don't get it."

Most weekends, I feel guilty. I think, "I am in this city that I may never see again after ___ weeks. I should go explore." But then I think, "I'm too tired for that. Every place is so loud. I just want to rest."

It's hard to know that I am missing out on new discoveries, but I am constantly reminded that my body, my mind, my soul -- my entire being -- crave that solitude. 

I am learning that I am that kid at camp staying indoors reading instead of being "rowdie," and that is good. 

But it can be hard to give myself that necessary grace. It can be hard to find my niche. 

But I am trusting that God actually made me an introvert on purpose, that he has created me to do great things as an introvert.

So I am continuing to search for that niche. I found it in Young Life once, and I will continue to find it throughout my life. As I learned that meeting strangers will not naturally becoming more energizing for me the longer I try it, my teammates and I shifted responsibilities this year. I took on more administrative responsibilities while they focused more energy on meeting strangers. It worked. This place where we landed isn't my natural sweet spot, but it's closer to it than where I started this year. 

I have a hunch my sweet spot involves more writing, more developing people and communities, more initiating new projects. I could be wrong, but those are the things I'm going to be trying out. And I'm going to try to give myself more grace to be me instead of attempting to mimic the wonderful extroverts (and introverts) in my life. 

So I'll enjoy the memories of these sweet rest times this year and look forward to more to come.

How will you give yourself grace to be who you are, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert?