I blame my disdain for unresolved conflict partially on my college experience. I took a class all about group dynamics and even read a book called The Functions of Social Conflict. You can get a copy of it here if you're interested.
Since then, I've tried to address conflict. I'm willing to fight through it. I want the tension to be resolved. Don't think I'm great at this, because I'm not. If I'm tired or upset, I truly fight through it - like snotty, jerky fighting. I'm working on not being a snotty jerkface.
So basically, I'm trying to not let myself run away from conflict. I'm trying to address what I notice.
But there's a situation in which my new technique hasn't worked. To say it's complicated is inadequate. I've wanted to address it for the past year, but I've been learning that this time, it's not my place to initiate resolution.
Last night, I was pretty frustrated about it, and a friend asked me why I think I'm supposed to wait for the other person on this one. Good question, but I doubted my answer. I responded with "I like to be in control. I like to be honest and forward. I like to call people out when I'm frustrated with them. I like to have answers. And one thing that I learned from the end of my relationship with Tim is that that's not always a good thing. In order for me, Kayla, to be more like Jesus and more like the woman God asks me to be, I need to be willing to wait. I need to let other people have some control too. I need to trust that God is in control and that my friend is following God through our awkward conflict."
I do believe those things, but I believe there's an ungodly answer in me too. It goes like this: "I'm afraid. I don't want to create more tension. I don't want to make things awkward. What if my friend is over this conflict? What if my friend doesn't think there ever was conflict? What if I bring it up, and my friend realizes that I've been holding onto this all year? What if my friend hasn't given it a second thought? I would look like a crazy fool. Crazy fool does not go well with the image I want to portray."
My friend who asked the questions helped me work through the pros and cons of approaching my other friend and seeking resolution. I told her I'd pray about it, and she naturally asked, "What if you don't hear a clear answer for either option?"
I decided I'd talk to my other friend. I'm sick of being confused. I'm sick of holding onto my hurt. I want answers. I want a normal friendship back. Talking will increase the odds that I'll get what I want.
As soon as my conversation with my friend ended, three sentences came into my head. "Honor Me first. Honor your friend second. Honor your curiosity last." Pretty simple, right? God gave me some thoughts and some answers right away. That seriously never happens for me -- except last night.
Those three simple sentences hurt. They hurt because they're a command to not do what I so desperately want to do. They hurt because they reveal that my heart's been really selfish in all of this. I want answers so I can have peace. I haven't been thinking about how talking could potentially hurt my friend more. I haven't thought about how me taking the initiative in addressing how I've been hurt could hurt that awesome friend. What if God's really working in my friend's heart and providing the courage for my friend to initiate what my friend should initiate?
Now, there is a chance that my friend really has no clue about how our conflict still hurts me and will never initiate a conversation. That is such a scary possibility.
But I know that God knows how hurt my heart has been this year. He knows that I need resolution. He knows that I wanted it 11 months ago. He won't abandon me in this. He'll provide peace and answers in his own time. He promises. God is a good Dad. I need to trust him. I need to lay down my pride, stop being selfish, think about my friend, and wait.
This is going to be hard. I'm not going to enjoy it, but I'm thankful for those three sentences that came to my mind. I'm thankful that God answered me. And I know he'll continue to answer me in his own way as I continue to have questions about this and about other things.
And I'll wait as long as it takes for answers from him and answers from my friend.
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