No Matter What, I Am His

God is so good, yet life has been hard lately. Life in the real world hasn't been hard -- just life in my mind has. My thoughts are everywhere, and through that, I have been realizing some few things:

1. I believe lies.
2. I don't always find my identity in Jesus.
3. I struggle with my worth.
4. I'm rarely alone, but I've been experiencing loneliness.
5. Moving back in with my family is difficult. 

I think all of those things are related. I struggle with my worth and feel lonely because I believe lies. Believing lies makes me find my identity in places other than Jesus. Living with my family brings back a lot of memories of when my worth was a huge struggle.

I know I'm not alone. I know people love me and are more than willing to listen to my struggles. I'm just finding myself in a season of life right now that no one else is going through with me. I have friends who are leaving the U.S. soon, but they aren't readjusting to life back in the U.S. And I have friends who will be readjusting, but they're not leaving again. I have great community; I just don't have someone walking step by step through this transition with me. 

As I recognize my loneliness, I realize that the main reason I feel so lonely is that I don't want to "bother" anyone with my thoughts. Don't worry, folks; I do realize that that's stupid. I mentally get that I'm not bothering my friends when I ask to talk. It's just that my heart doesn't get it. My heart thinks my friends may not actually care. And that's all because I don't think I'm worth their time and energy. That's a lie I've struggled with since middle school, and it super stinks to see it still underneath other things in my mind. 

Thankfully, I have a God who is full of truth and invites me to find my complete worth in him!

• My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Galatians 2:20).
• But—“When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life" (Titus 3:4-7).
• But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it (Ephesians 2:4-9).

I'm working on calling the lies lies. I'm making small progress, but it's still hard. One thing that helps is spending time with Him. Confession: I have failed at that so much since I've been home. I do other things and distract myself, but when that happens, I accept more lies than I refute. I need to spend more time in the Word. Feel free to hold me accountable to that, friends.

Thankfully, as this whole struggle has been unfolding, God allowed me to stumble across a post on the Young Life Leader Blog. A leader named Drew Hill wrote a song for YL Club and asked Jenny and Tyler to record it. You can listen to and download I Am Yours for free here!

I had to chuckle when I heard the song; it was written for high schoolers, but it totally addresses where my heart is right now. It says:

When the world around me’s crashing down, would you remind me you are strong?

When I feel alone and have nowhere to turn would you remind me I belong?

When I don’t know who I am anymore, would you remind me I am yours?

(Gals) I am yours (Guys) I am yours

When I doubt and stress and worry, would you remind me you are real?

When my fragile heart gets broken, would you remind me that you heal?

When I don’t know who I am anymore, would you remind me I am yours?

(Gals) I am yours (Guys) I am yours

(Gals) I am your daughter (Guys) I am your son

(All) You will finish what you’ve begun

(Gals) I once was blind 

(Guys) but now I see 

(Gals) You’re up to something,

(All) You’re up to something in me

(Guys) I am yours 

(Gals) You’re up to something in me

(Guys) I am yours 

When I’m scared to death and shakin’ would you whisper, “Do not fear”?

When the quiet comes and everything is still, would you open up my ears?

When I don’t know who I am anymore, would you remind me I am yours?

(Gals) I am yours (Guys) I am yours 

(Gals) I am your daughter (Guys) I am your son

(All) You will finish what you’ve begun

(Gals) I once was blind 

(Guys) but now I see

(Gals) You’re up to something 

(All) You’re up to something in me

(Guys) I am yours 

(Gals) You’re up to something in me

(Together) I am yours

I have been needing multiple reminders lately of how God is strong and how I belong. My broken heart has been doubting, and I have been unnecessarily stressed and worried. And in this time, I've been reminded that God commands me to not fear and he's willing to open up my ears and speak to me. I honestly have days where I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I know that's dramatic, but my heart is torn between three places around the world and I'm struggling to cope with that. Sometimes I let the fear and confusion win. But I can always look to my good, good Father and ask him to remind me that I am His, and He will. He's good like that. 

No matter how I feel, I am no longer in a place where I don't know who I am. I am God's. Even on the hardest days and when I hear the biggest lies, I can rest in my identity. I am a daughter of the Most High God. I have an eternal inheritance; it's not going anywhere. Because my identity doesn't depend on me. It depends on Christ. That's it. Signed, sealed, delivered. I'm His. 

Praise God for such an amazing promise. Praise God for being a constant, honest Father. Praise God for being a healer. Praise God for being up to some redemption in all of this mess of my heart and mind. Hallelujah!