Counting up the Cost

When I look on Facebook, I get to see all of the fun things my friends are doing back home. Sometimes, I am excited for them. Other times, I am jealous.

I miss Sioux Falls Young Life. I miss epic and small adventures. I miss "normal" life things. I miss South Dakota.

Last week, my team was chatting. One teammate said that he can easily miss home when he sees what people are doing there. Then he pointed out how people see what we are doing here, and they get jealous too. 

Funny, right?

We want to be there. They want to be here. 

[But really, who wouldn't be jealous of this?:

Just kidding. Our adventure is great, but other people's adventures are also great.]

I still miss home though. I don't miss it as in I want to go back right now. I just miss it as in I want to stay there after this year. I want to return home without another departure date.

Honestly, I am afraid that I might not be in America long-term. I am afraid that I might live overseas instead. It's not a for-sure thing, but it is a possibility.

I struggle with living in the present which is why I have that fear about my future. I so badly want to live in the present, but I have a futuristic mindset. It's helpful sometimes, but it's unhelpful in this case. 

Lately, I've been talking about my fear with God. I want to know why I am so afraid that I might not live in America. I want to know why I think living overseas is a real option. 

I have e-mailed friends in an attempt to understand my inner turmoil.

And I have learned a few things:

1. I want to go home after this year in order to see what potential exists for me there. I want to see if graduate school is a real option. I want to see if I could actually work with the homeless. I want to see if I can have a "normal" life and jump back into being a YL leader.
2. I think my desire to go home is selfish. I struggle with understanding if it really is selfish or not.
3. I know that there is a need for people to proclaim the truth about Jesus throughout the world. I know that there are few who go. I know that I am capable of going. I am not the most qualified person to go, but since more people are staying than going, I think more should go. I can go.

Lately, I've been listening to Rend Collective Experiment's Campfire album. Solid stuff. It's good music to listen to while washing the dishes. 

The other day while I was soaking in my inner turmoil, the lyrics to RCE's song "The Cost" popped into my head. I listened to it and stared at the lyrics. 

Here they are:

I'm saying yes to You

And no to my desires

I'll leave myself behind

And follow You

I'll walk the narrow road

'cause it leads me to You

I'll fall but grace 

Will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost

Oh I've counted up the cost

Yes I've counted up the cost

And You are worth it

I do not need safety

As much as I need You

You're dangerous

But Lord You're beautiful

I'll chase You through the pain

I'll carry my cross

'cause real love

Is not afraid to bleed

Jesus 

Take my all

Take my everything

I've counted up the cost

And You're worth everything

It's so interesting that I can listen to a song so many times, and then one day, it all clicks. 

You see, I want to say, "Yes," to my desires. They're not bad desires. I want to go back to a community that is so dear to my heart and serve Jesus there. I want to reflect God's love to people who haven't experienced it there. I want to marry a man who loves Jesus more than he will ever love me. I want to use that relationship to reflect God to those around us. I want to have a family. I want what your stereotypical single, young woman who loves Jesus wants.

I want safety. I want stability. I long for a home that I can unpack in. I so badly wish I could sign a year-long lease. That would be so delightful.

I want things that are familiar to me.  

I want what my friends are experiencing back home.

But I know that Jesus is worth more than all of those desires. Maybe he will give me some or even all of them. Maybe not. But I know that I can say, "Yes," to him, and it'll be worth whatever I end up saying, "No," to.

I'll choose to do whatever normal or abnormal things he asks me to do. I know I will come to know him better by doing so. And that is worth it.

I know I will continue to struggle with doing it well. He will continue to love me. And that is worth it.

Even though I crave safety, stability, and the familiar, I know it's not necessary. Jesus is the only thing that is necessary. I love that he is dangerous instead of safe. I love that he is good and beautiful. Good and beautiful are way better than safe.

I will chase him through the pain. I will chase him through the joy as well. I am thankful that he demonstrated that real love is not afraid to bleed. So as I try to love him in return and love his creation, I will acknowledge that it may involve pain; it may involve a little blood.

I have been making a pro and con list in my mind ever since I first considered going overseas. Over the past three years, the pros and cons have changed. Sometimes, there have been more advantages; other times, more disadvantages. But every time, the answer has been, "It's worth it." 

Because following Jesus, into whatever he leads me, is worth it. Every time. No matter how I count up the cost, he is always worth it.

I still desire for him to ask me to follow him home and stay there after this year. But I am finding peace while I wait knowing that no matter what, he is worth going anywhere. Even to South Dakota.