The Final Pep Talk

Life has been hard lately. I have been sick. I have been overwhelmed. I have been in large group settings more frequently than I am used to (possibly even capable of) being in them. I have been stressed. Life has been hard.

When stress and life overwhelm me, I begin to shut down. I don’t know how to approach the world. I stop initiating conversations with friends, and I stop writing. I haven’t written a blog post in two and a half weeks which is a significant amount of time in my mind. I just haven’t known what to write. My prayer journal has few entries during that time as well, and each one doesn’t quite end. I just run out of thoughts – or rather I don’t know how to articulate my thoughts.

So please bear with me here. This post might be a little rough, a little difficult to follow, but I can’t keep not talking; I can’t continue to not write.

My job is hard. It is beyond amazing to see what God is doing throughout Eastern Europe, but it is difficult for me to continue living this lifestyle. Nearly everything within me is exhausted. I don’t want to continue moving. I don’t want to learn how to live in another new city. I don’t want another language. I don’t want to have to meet new people, make new friends, and then say goodbye again. I do not want another goodbye. I don’t want to attend large group events. I am socially spent.

Yet those are some things that God is asking me to continue doing and experiencing. That is part of the reason I have cried so much lately. I think I can’t do this, and I know God is asking me to do it anyway.

The other day as my throat was scratchy and sore and I coughed and coughed, I grabbed a cough drop. My Hall’s pep talk said:

As I stared at the wrapper, I realized that those phrases are things I keep telling myself. “Press on, Kayla! Come on, and power though! Put a little strut in it. You can do this and you will enjoy it!”

I talked with a friend the night before that pep talk (or rather chatted through Skype IM because video and voice calls were failing all around). I told her about how hard life has been. I told her that I am sick of struggling for joy. I am over it. I want joy to come easily. I want to love my job. I want to embrace this beautiful gift that God has given me.

She said, “It doesn't seem to be a struggle for joy. You HAVE joy. It seems to be a struggle for rest and fullness.”

I simply stared at her words. She was right. Joy doesn’t come easily, but I do have joy in the LORD. However, I do not receive nearly as much rest as my body and soul crave, and because of that, I struggle for fullness.

The struggle becomes more real and challenging when I see others seemingly thrive in this environment. My teammates appear to be energized by the work God is doing. They love it. And I am continually surprised that I made it through another week.

Last year, one of my Ghana teammates would daily say, “There’s grace today.” Because of his attitude and habitual phrase, I am reminded that I need to extend grace to others. There’s grace today.

While talking with another friend about this struggle, she prayed for me. But she didn’t pray for strength, energy, joy, and rest like I expected her too. Instead, she prayed that I would have grace for myself.

I was surprised. She prayed for what I actually need rather than what I think I need.

Her prayer and those conversations made me realize that I struggle for fullness because I don’t give myself much grace (if any). Instead, I compare myself to others. I see how my teammates respond to this year, and I feel like I should respond in the same way. I expect myself to love and thrive in the intense social situations and consistent change solely because others appear to be doing so.

But that’s not me. God has a purpose in me being me as he made me. He has a purpose in me being on this team this year.

And this week I am beginning to learn that I don't have to approach life like a Hall's cough drop and constantly give myself a pep talk. Instead, I can choose to rest in God even when I don't understand. I can choose to trust that he will continue to give me the grace I need in order to find fullness in him.

I am slowly learning what it means to give myself grace, what it means to be me rather than to attempt to be like others. But it's hard. Isn't it hard?  But the sick comparison game needs to stop, and I desperately need to rest. 

So today, as some of my sweet teammates explore museums and the capital of a new country, I'm sitting in a cafe, writing, and watching the rain through the large window at my side. It's a small step in giving myself the grace to rest instead of seeking adventure. It's a small step, but it's a start.

How are you going to give yourself some grace today? There is grace today. There's grace every day. So let's stop with the unnecessary pep talks.