Morning alarmed dinged. After little sleep.
I got out of bed. Without excessive delay.
I was optimistic. Traveling to work.
I was glad to be at work.
I smiled and greeted coworkers. With genuine joy.
I wanted to conquer the day.
Today I laughed.
I joked with others.
I was present.
In hearing good news, I experienced true excitement.
I was affected by excitement.
Today I spouted off stories.
I could answer questions.
I was present.
I did not subconsciously retreat.
I listened to music again.
Music.
Energetic music.
And I had joy.
Today I was myself.
All day long.
Today I finally felt like myself.
Tomorrow, no matter what, I will remember today.
The day that I had sweet relief. From depression.
As I was driving in my car this afternoon, I took a pause from the consuming music of Spotify. I stopped singing as loudly as I could in order to talk with a friend. In conversation, I declared, "For the first time in weeks - months - I don't know how long, I feel like me again."
Depression has caused me to feel detached from myself. My typical responses, my normal personality, my quirks have all seemed like past memories as I've been dealing with depression.
Today I could sense the change - the return to normal. I was scared. I hesitated to admit feeling like myself again because I was afraid it wouldn't last. A trigger might happen. A low might hit. But it didn't. For one day, I enjoyed returning to normal me.
It may not last. I am sad to admit that it will not last. But some day, I will return to my normal again. It may come and go for now, but depression will not win.
Today, instead of silence or audiobooks, I returned to music: my "Daily Mix 1" on Spotify that was my default in all music. It's a playlist I haven't been able to listen to lately. I try a few songs. I skip them all. Then I retreat away from loud, strange music. Depression has caused me to move away from music. But today, I played many songs. I used music to shed awkward energy like I used to every time I have been alone in a car since I could drive.
Music. It seems like such a small thing. Insignificant.
But that drive, alone in my car, was the moment I knew depression wouldn't win today. Who knows what the weeks ahead hold, but for today, I was me. And I have hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment