I Can't Do This

Right now, I'm in Budapest near the end of a week-long conference for training about the upcoming year in Eastern Europe. For those of you who are geographically challenged like me, here's where I am:

I'm technically staying a suburb, but this is as close as we need to get. If you plan on visiting me in the next two days, I'll willingly give you the full address.

I am seeing beautiful sites throughout the city.

So stinkin' beautiful.
I am learning more of what it realistically looks like to 

• move to a new city (and almost always a new country) every month
• live in a culture where I don't know the language
• be bold in approaching college students on campus
• work with my four teammates
• and never fully feel like I know what's going on.

And every day, I have thought more than once, "I can't do this."

This lifestyle is not me.

At home (and even here), I have heard people say, "Wow. You must be so adventurous. You must really enjoying traveling and exploring new places. You must love meeting new people. I could never do that." 

And as this theory of the year becomes real life, I am realizing that I could never do this either. 

People who know me (at all) would not play the word association game, think of "Kayla," and respond with "adventurous," "bold," or "brave."

Rather, the response I have been hearing lately is "meek," "quiet," and "introverted." Friends who know me well would probably choose some different words, but I think we can all agree that "meek," "quiet," and "introverted" are fairly accurate descriptive words here.

Now, "meek" seems like a good word. We describe Jesus as "meek." But really, no one strives to be meek. Dictionary.com defines "meek" as

1. humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others
2. overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame

Friends, I am not trying to say that I am humbly patient. I would never claim that lovely title. And I'm not always submissive. Those two things would be nice, but I'm not there yet. Instead, I am tame. No one strives to be tame. We want to be ferocious and bold. But I tend to lean toward the side of being a tame, terrified mouse cowering in the corner. 

I do not like traveling. I do not like not knowing what's going on around me. I do not like not being able to communicate or read the signs around me. I do not like to attempt being bold. I do not like meeting new people. I do not like approaching strangers. Those things are not me. Those things are so far from my introverted personality.

I, Kayla, cannot survive through this year. I cannot be and do all of those things. 

But thankfully, this week hasn't just been about learning what the year will look like. This week has been about learning that I don't have to be all of those things. Jesus will be and do all of those great things through me. All I have to do is love him and be willing. 

Friends, I haven't just been learning about what I'll be doing this year. I have been learning about the places I'll be doing such things. Yesterday, my team went onto a college campus in the city to meet students. We asked some simple questions. One question was "Do you know any Christians, any people who follow Jesus?" I watched a few students truly think before they answered, "No." Not a single student I spoke with yesterday knew a single person who loved Jesus. And that is a common thing not only on that campus but on the majority of the college campuses in this entire area.

That knowledge allows me to set aside my personality traits. That knowledge compels me to do something. And for the next 10 months, that something is working to allow students to answer "yes" to that question they next time they hear it. 

As a speaker shared today, Paul once wrote to the Christians in Corinth,

If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit. 14 Either way, Christ’s love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.15 He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them....17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!18 And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. 19 For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. 20 So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” 21 For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. (2 Corinthians 2:13-15, 17-21)

I am so thankful that Jesus is the offering that allows us to be made right with God. I am so thankful that Jesus has chosen me, made me new, and invites me to be his ambassador. I am so thankful that his love has the power to compel me to do so. And it's with that knowledge that I can confidently say I'll get through this crazy year because Jesus can do this.