It's Worth It

I am weary. I am tired. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed.

And I've felt that way for the last couple of weeks as I've been preparing to leave. 

Over the past weekend, the smallest things caused my eyes tear up. I simply could not handle even the tiniest bit of polite rejection. My greatest desire was to hide under a blanket cuddling with my teddy bear and sleeping as an escape. 

Thankfully, God had better things in store for me. I was able to celebrate life this weekend. My family celebrated my aunt's birthday. I love family shindigs. I love my family.

I was also able to enjoy sweet time with sweet friends. This weekend was full of quality time with people I love. But that ended up adding to my stress and fears. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to miss out on some great in-person quality time this year.

You see, I hate goodbyes. But God has been teaching me that each goodbye has a purpose. And as I continue to say "see you later," I keep repeating to myself, "The gospel is worth it." 

And I can find a lot of peace in that statement. The good news of Jesus and the life he offers is worth missing out on family celebrations, sleepovers, coffee dates, and even my baby sister's high school graduation. 

But I continue to need sweet reminders from Jesus that each tear and each "see you later" is worth it. And because my Jesus is so, so good to me, I've been getting a lot of those necessary reminders today. 

On Sunday, I went to church with my family, and God showered me with his love. He whispered a lot of sweet words to me. My old school country church even sang a song based off of a Ghanaian folk tune. I'm sure the pastor and organist had no idea it was Ghanaian when they picked it, but God knew. 

The goodness didn't stop there though! The gospel reading for the day was Luke 14:25-33

A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, 26 “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. 27 And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.

28 “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? 29 Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you.30 They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’

31 “Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? 32 And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. 33 So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.

Jesus knows that this hurts. He just wants more for me. He wants me to truly be with him. And right now, that actually means giving up everything I own (except for what fits in my backpack, guitar case, and suitcases). This year, it means loving him enough to follow him and leave my family and friends. And Jesus is such a good leader that he will meet all of my needs. He will continue to show me that the gospel is worth it - that being his disciple is worth it. He showed me that at church on Sunday and he's shown it to me again today.

There is one last sweet whisper God gave me during the church service: the closing hymn "O Jesus, I Have Promised." I don't think I have ever sung it before, but it was another beautiful reminder that the gospel is worth it.

O Jesus, I have promised 

to serve thee to the end; 

be thou forever near me, 

my Master and my friend. 

I shall not fear the battle 

if thou art by my side, 

nor wander from the pathway 

if thou wilt be my guide. 

O let me feel thee near me! 

The world is ever near; 

I see the sights that dazzle, 

the tempting sounds I hear; 

my foes are ever near me, 

around me and within; 

but Jesus, draw thou nearer, 

and shield my soul from sin. 

O let me hear thee speaking 

in accents clear and still, 

above the storms of passion, 

the murmurs of self-will. 

O speak to reassure me, 

to hasten or control; 

O speak, and make me listen, 

thou guardian of my soul. 

O Jesus, thou hast promised 

to all who follow thee 

that where thou art in glory 

there shall thy servant be. 

And Jesus, I have promised 

to serve thee to the end; 

O give me grace to follow, 

my Master and my Friend.

Jesus will give me all of the grace I need to follow him this year and for the rest of my years. Jesus will remind me that I don't need to fear. Jesus will continue to speak to reassure me. Jesus will be near to me.

And I will continue to cling to Jesus and his beautiful promises as I miss these gems.