When I get overwhelmed, I tend to begin to shut down. I don't want to deal with anything, so I ignore my thoughts and feelings. I aim to become like a robot, and I get pretty close to my goal with apathy. Dictionary.com defines apathy as the "absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement." When I become apathetic, I just so badly want to suppress and ignore my emotions, so I do.
Yesterday, a friend called me to confess some stuff she's struggling with. Then she lovingly asked me if I had anything to confess, and then I realized I have a bigger problem with apathy than I thought: I blocked off emotion enough that I didn't even know what was going on in my heart. I couldn't confess the sins in my heart to my wonderful friend because I wasn't letting God reveal the crud in my heart to me.
I was on my way to an awesome prayer and worship shindig called Harp and Bowl in Sioux Center, and I kept thinking about what I experienced on the phone. How did I let apathy hide me from me?
While at Harp and Bowl, I realized some few things about myself. Well actually, God showed me some few things about myself:
1. I struggle with letting things go. I struggle with surrendering my dreams. I know what I want, and it's hard for me to hand those dreams over and risk not reaching them.
2. I absolutely hate that I struggle so much with surrendering those dreams. It reminds me that some days I care more about those possibilities than God. Ick!! That struggle makes me very frustrated with myself. I despise the crud in my heart.
3. I despise the crud in my heart to the point where I don't want to deal with it. I want to avoid it. I want to get rid of it, but it's still there, so I give up and bury it beneath apathy.
4. Some days, I just don't trust God to heal my heart. I think it's stuck. I believe that it's beyond redemption - past the point of no return. That's all a lie, but I sometimes forget that fact.
5. When I avoid the crud in my heart, I avoid God. Spending time with God would force me to face the crud, so I forfeit all of my sweet resting time with him. Lame, Kayla, lame. In order to not avoid God, I need to be willing to face the parts of my heart that frustrate me.
6. God will heal my heart. He will restore me. He'll make me new. He'll help me surrender.
Some of the songs from Harp and Bowl were super clear in helping me recognize that last point. Isn't God great like that?
I recommend listening to them. The first is "Fountains" by Jon Thurlow:
One line from that song is "Those who call upon my name, no, they will not be put to shame. Just keep coming back to Me."
Part of the reason I don't want to deal with the broken crud in my heart is because I'm ashamed of it. Why do I cling to the hope of being in the U.S. long-term? Why do I so badly hope to be married some day? Why do I want graduate school this much? Why do I desperately want to return to Sioux Falls Young Life? Why are those things so difficult for my heart to release to him? I feel like it should be easier than it is. But it's not. I still struggle with surrendering the same things I struggled with surrendering a year ago. And I shame myself for it. I think it's terrible, and that God's annoyed with me for it. But he's not. He promises to not put me to shame. He just wants me to bring these struggles to him. He's such a good, good Dad.
Another song from last night is "Invitacion Fountain" by Pritzl:
The main chorus of the song says, "If you lead me, Lord, I will follow. Where you lead me, Lord, I will go. Come and heal me, Lord, I will follow. Where you lead me, Lord, I will go."
Shortly after arriving in Ghana, I realized my heart was worse than I thought it was; the stress of the change and the conflict revealed a lot of brokenness and crud in my heart. And unfortunately, not all of that brokenness and crud is healed yet. I'm nervous about going overseas again in the fall. I have a feeling I'll be broken a little (or a lot) more, and I haven't been healed from my time in Ghana yet.
But somehow, I experienced beautiful peace while staring at the lyrics to "Invitacion Fountain" and singing. I had already agreed to follow God and go months ago. But last night, I was reassured that he's going to heal me. I won't have to sit in this brokenness for forever. He's dealing with the crud in my heart, and I need to deal with it too. So I'm going to address it. I'm not going to be afraid of it. I have a God who is bigger than my fears, my insecurities, and my desires that aren't part of his plan. He'll help me let them go. He'll heal me, and I'll be equipped in the ways I need to be in order to handle this summer and next year.
Praise God! Hallelujah!
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