Why I Fail at Raising Financial Support

Last summer, I really disliked raising support to go to Ghana. It was hard, but I learned a lot from the experience. 

I thought this summer would be easier in raising support. I thought it would all just sort of happen on its own; after all, I know how to do it this summer. I have experience. 

But this summer, raising support to go to Eastern Europe and Russia has been harder than it was last summer. And last week, as I was sitting before the LORD at Harp and Bowl, I realized why it's harder.

I wanted it to be harder. Last week, I was only at 25% of my support goal. And at Harp and Bowl, I realized that I didn't want to be any further than 25%. 

That may sound weird and nonsensical, but if you know me well, by the end of this post it will make sense. My mind tends to think in weird and nonsensical ways. 

If I were to be closer to reaching my financial support goal, that would mean I would be closer to going. If I raise my support, I go. If I don't, I don't go. A huge part of my heart has been fighting going since it became a possibility. The icky selfish part of my heart would love to fail in raising support and stay in South Dakota. 

Last summer, when I had moments of not wanting to go to Ghana, I pressed on in raising support because I didn't want to disappoint the people who were supporting me. Apparently, I have made some small yet significant progress on my people-pleasing tendencies, because this summer I don't care about disappointing the people I love and appreciate. So now, I don't have that wrong motivation pushing me to raise my support.

And because my heart is not excited about the upcoming adventure, I have no motivation pushing me to raise my support.

After I had that necessary realization, I asked, "God, where do I go from here? How do we get out of this place?" And he responded with Ezekiel 36:22b-23

I am bringing you back, but not because you deserve it. I am doing it to protect my holy name... I will show how holy my great name is—the name on which you brought shame among the nations. And when I reveal my holiness through you before their very eyes, says the Sovereign Lord, then the nations will know that I am the Lord. 

God is going to redeem my crappy efforts this summer, but he's not going to do it for me. He's going to do it for himself. He will allow me to go to Eastern Europe and Russia not for me but for his glory. He'll let me go so that the nations will know he is the LORD. It's not about me. It's about him.

Now this doesn't mean that I'm free to continue in my recent attitudes and actions. I need to do my part in this too. I need to take greater steps of faith and find greater joy in being in God's will. 

I wish I could say that that realization made everything easier, but it hasn't. 

Just the other day I doubted whether or not I was really supposed to go. Awesome realization and confirmation about going one day... Need for awesome realization three days later. Ridiculous, right? My heart has really been fighting this lately.

But God reconfirmed it all again. 

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. (Hebrews 10:36)

So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen. (2 Timothy 2:10) 

Let me clarify some of this mess for you: 

1. I don't think I have to go. I know God's giving me a choice here.
2. I keep asking God to help me see his desire in this, and each time he clearly points to going.
3. I know I am not needed in Eastern Europe and Russia. God does not need me there. God doesn't need me here either. 
4. I do believe that God wants to show me more of his heart while I'm there.  
5. I know I won't earn more of God's love by going. He'll love me just as much if I choose not to go. (A really awesome writer shares more about that on her blog. You should read it.)

And even though I'm given options, there's really only one. I want to be where God wants me to be. I want to "continue to do his will". I want to be involved in "bringing salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen" in the ways God wants me to be involved. And in order to do that, I need a heart change. I need to be less selfish. I need to embrace the gift I've been given. 

Friends, will you pray for me? Not just for the obvious need I have for financial support for next year but more importantly for my heart to be more like Jesus' heart. I need it. If I'm going to get through this summer and next year, I so badly need my heart to be less like Kayla's selfish heart and more like Jesus' selfless, loving heart. Thanks, friends.